The End of Innocence

The other night I was caught totally off guard while putting Isaiah to sleep. I began reading him a new book, titled the "The Birthday Surprise" that had just been given as a gift. About a third of the way through the book I realized it was about an old cat that was going to die. Not being particularly skilled at improvising new plot lines, I just kept going. But immediately after I read the page where the cat dies, Isaiah looks at me and asks point blank: "Am I going to die?"

I've avoided the subject of death with him thus far. Perhaps using the word in reference to bugs or something, but never explaining it. I mean the guy's not even 3 yet!? But how was I supposed to answer this question? You always hear that there's no text book for parenting, but at that moment I really wished I could hit the pause button and refer to one for fear of traumatizing him with the wrong answer and damaging him for life.

I answered "yes" in a calm voice and just said "everything that's alive dies at a certain point, but you are very young and you are going to live a very long life." Unfortunately, this was followed by a primal scream and the words, "But I don't wanna die!!!" I thought I'd really blown it at that point, but all I could do was emphasize how far off death was "when you're 100." I admit that I even said, "well, maybe when you're older they'll invent a way to avoid it." And I sure wishes that I believed in Heaven so I could make death into some fairy tale where we all live happily ever after.

Somehow I changed the subject eventually back to the much safer topic of Lighting McQueen, the famous race car from the movie Cars. But Isaiah, not to be thrown off track, still interjected the question I feared most, "Are you going to die?" Again, I said "yes" - how could I lie about something so fundamental - but I once again explained that this would be so far in the future and he would be all grown up, etc.

By the time I left his room he was calm, but I felt like I had just been punched in the stomach. In the morning, I was relieved that while the subject was still on his mind, it had already turned into a joke. When I offered him oatmeal, he responded "Oatmeal doesn't die" with a laugh. It's come up a little bit since then, but thankfully not obsessively.